Sometimes you don't have enough to say for a big, meaningful blog post. Sometimes you only have little thoughts without a deeper meaning or thesis. Posting them on "proper" blogs feels too lazy. Posting them on social media gets people to argue about your half-baked thoughts. That's why short blogging is the right place for it. Thoughts coming and going like fireworks. Welcome to my shortblog, Aurora of a White Dragon. I wondered which language I should write this in, but picked English. It's not the language of my heart, but at least someone who runs into this might actually be able to understand.
Newest posts are on the front page. Old ones get moved into the archive. They are sorted by year. I hope you enjoy your time in my shortblog, and feel free to send a message in the chatbox to the right if you feel like it. — Saekka
Oh wowwww. Uh, hi. What has happened? It doesn't matter! I don't even remember!
Welllll so I got my Kabukimono cosplay! I'm gonna cosplay him and Ja'far from Magi on Desucon two weeks from now. More travelling to the south this weekend as I'm going to my cousin's graduation. Planning on wearing traditional clothing.
My hair is Scara coloured now! Or more like on the blue side. But it's got purple in it.
Sweden won Eurovision which is a travesty! Mostly because the lyrics to the song, "stars aligning, angels crying", sound so bad they make me die from cringe! And also because it wasn't the best song of the night. Maybe in top ten, or not.
I saw my asshole ex-bosses on the street yesterday! I hope they didn't recognize me! I hid my face and my hair is blue and short now! I want to leave this town forever!
Went to the manga club again! Nice! It's on summer break now! Met with my new friend at a cafe! Nice! Met and will meet with old friends! Nice! Joined a lesbian dating app and talked to people! Not nice because there aren't many people from here and I keep realizing I have to more to a big city if I ever want to find someone... :(
Then uh. I don't remember. Maybe I will remember later. Been kinda obsessed with a mom game called "Gardenscapes" recently. Anyways uh. I don't feel suicidal or anything but I do feel like I want to scream and run until I can't anymore and move elsewhere and. I don't know, something.
I do like the increased amount of sunlight now. We had some warm weeks but now it got colder again (12 C or so). Waiting for warm weather again.
Ouäääää. I joined a local queer advocacy group and promised to help with organizing Pride tho of course only little stuff since I'm a newbie. So I guess there's that. You can't say I haven't tried, you know? To do something about my loneliness. I join groups, I talk on dating apps, I talk to people online Discord AND Tumblr like... I've done a lot to reach out to people, I think...
Dandelions and forget-me-nots on my way to work.
Going to the library yesterday was a good idea. I talked to the people who run the club and they were quite nice. We also drew stuff there and I drew Jean from Genshin Impact. I made a mistake with the nose in the image, but I took a photo of the drawing and fixed it on computer.
Unfortunately though, I'm probably going to be very lonely come July and onwards because one more of my friends is going to be moving away. Honestly, I'm not sure how much more of this loneliness I can take. Even though I've gone to new places and even made a new friend recently, it's not like the kind of situation where I can hang out with people a lot, you know? All I can do basically is to keep going to the random clubs and hope it makes me feel at least a little better.
I made this pixel art yesterday! The lyrics are from Scaramouche's boss theme and mean roughly "I wish I'd never been born". It is a Bohemian Rhapsody reference, of course, but I also agree with the message.
Mr Stark I don't feel so good aka I'm not feeling well rn.
Well it started yesterday when I got this whole... attack at work. Like I started crying and such. Feeling really anxious. Well, it was late and no one was there anymore so I just left but I kept on crying at home. I felt so bad I vacuumed lol. I think I did something else too... Laundry? Yeah. Today I had clean socks, thanks, me of yesterday.
Today I was thinking of going to the library since there is some "manga night" or whatever. I already missed it twice earlier lol. Idk what it's like but... yeah. I think I should still go and check.
I'm actually at work right now but I have to wait so. I wrote fic earlier and now I'm writing this. I never want a job where I'm not allowed to write a stupid little blog post while I have to wait. Ah, I'm getting angry again. But yeah, still kinda felt stressed out today. I just wish I was less alone.
Happy uh Easter. A few days ago.
My Easter holiday was such, I do not remember Friday well but I think I went to my parents, and my sister was also visiting, and we ate pizza and watched The Hunchback of Notre Dame. On Saturday, I also went there, we ate some meat and mashed potatoes and I watched Princess Mononoke and some docu series on Netflix. On Sunday, we went to see grandparents and I heard stories from grandpa. Later that day, a friend visited, and I also vacuumed. On Monday, I had a good day. A friend visited and we watched the third Madoka movie. Then I went on a little walk with another friend. And finally, on that day, I made my first webring. :]
Yesterday though was so nothing. I don't even remember what happened. Probably nothing. And today, I'll have remote Japanese class but that's it. And I'll have to go grocery shopping, blah. I'm so tired. So, so sleepy.
BUT. Good news. A new Genshin update today and there will be new Scara content. :]
My brother said I look like an anime character.
We had elections yesterday. Unfortunately, right-wing parties won. However, it looks like it will be very difficult for them to form a government (here, we form majority governments). It was already very difficult to be unemployed under the left-wing government, and the winning party promised to cut from all benefits for students, the unemployed, healthcare, etc... And I know I will probably end up unemployed again at some point even though I have a job now. It's just, stressful I guess. And it's also because I'm big on the uh... as much independent power for my region as possible. But if they start cutting healthcare costs, we could get merged with a bigger region and you know what that means, our local healthcare services will get worse, that's what.
Well, in any case. The support group for girls I've been going to closed down because they don't have more funding. We had a farewell party and the back of my neck hurt so much because I danced A LOT at there. However, it's good that I met new, nice people there.
Unfortunately, I had to tell my psych nurse that I've been feeling worse. I told him about the worthlessness feeling and the meaninglessness of everything. My mom just really doesn't understand that the past job traumatized me but I hope she understood a little bit because I had to yell it at her and I almost started crying and she backed off. Anyways, I don't really want to think about this.
It's been getting a bit warmer and sunnier now, even though the nights are still cold. I can't wait for weathers warmer still.
6+ months ago my intention this summer was to be goth, but since I cut my hair and everything, different clothes suit me now. I think that in the end, I'm actually going to end up emo-egirl instead. Below are images of my current favourite outfits (of course in summer I'd have less clothes on).
Okay so. I KNOW I will sound cringy here, but I want to say it. But don't laugh at me!
At first I liked Scaramouche as a character because I just usually like characters like him. The sort of evil-but-redeemable. But now, I've found like a whole new layer on it... and somebody might say it's a bad layer, but still. It's no secret that I got his haircut, but that's not what this is about either.
So, the above part is quite important to me. Not because it's a Bohemian Rhapsody reference, although that is a good song, but because... I agree. In the past, I used to think about it like this: death is horrible, and therefore, it's unfortunate I was born because now I have to die. But nowadays, I don't particularly care about... death in such a sense. Now I just think, I wish I was never born at all so I wouldn't have to deal with this. Especially the feelings of anxiety and depression which I don't know the source of, and can't make go away. I don't want to die, I don't want to be killed, I simply wish I never had to deal with life in the first place.
The above image is what I wish I could do. If only I cared less, I wouldn't feel bad as much. But I am very tender and emotional. If I wasn't, if only I was a person who doesn't care about what anyone thinks, or about anyone's feelings... Life would be so much easier. I wouldn't have to feel anxious about such things. I wish I would feel less.
So yeah, that's it pretty much. When we get these moments in the game where the character says something self-deprecating etc and I agree with it about myself, it's a bit unfortunate. Too bad that I can't actually live like him though. I don't have a little goddess wishing to keep me around, and I don't have the ability to just wander around the world without a care, no, I have to earn money constantly to be able to eat. It is truly unfortunate.
I am worthless. I have no worth.
Last year, I participated in a student's thesis on the Kainuu dialect. A couple of days ago, it was finished. I asked the person if she could send it to me once it's finished as I am interested in the topic, so she did. I'm just so happy about the fact I got to participate in a "study" about a topic dear to me. Before this, I have also participated in a study on asexuality (though I have no idea if it was finished or when. At least it wasn't a year ago).
Today I got this thing, you know like a paper heart with your name on it, then other people write on it what they think of you (positive things). And I got many comments like "your style is nice!", "cool looking", "it's bubbling under your stylish surface". And the thing is, since late last year I truly have been consciously changing my style, looking for a more... I guess goth/egirl/emo mix look right. And I'm just sooooo happy that people see it. That people notice it like hey, this person has thought about her style. I don't know, it just makes me so happy and excited like you wouldn't believe.
Today, it was snowing a lot and the snowplow people were striking. My socks got all wet so many times, lowkey drifting in the snow with the workplace car too oops.
Also, I think I might've made a friend? An irl friend at that, if so, that'd be the first time since what, middle school? Coworkers don't count :P
For startes, I want to make an annoucement: I have published a new website! It is a Scaramouche (from Genshin Impact) website From Ashes Reborn. Please, check it out if you are interested. Personally, I think the website looks really nice and I've also made some new graphics for it which I think have turned out really nice.
Not much has happened since last time! I go to work and work on my websites. Yesterday I reworked the entire code of one of my websites as it was all over the place full of css in wrong places and iframes. Now, to the visitor, they actually can't see any difference! But looking at the code itself, it's so much cleaner now. Proud of myself, it shows that I've become better at making HTML layouts than I was when I started that site (August 2022).
And in the case you're wondering, yes, I did remember to go buy the mittens! They're soooooo soft! I drove there with my friend (~30 mins drive) and then we went to a café there. They had really nice tea.
I was listening to some Portal fansongs today and now I feel like replaying Portal. I wanna stream it on Discord to be honest. It's been so long since I played. I was a big Portal fan in 2013 so, it's pretty much been 10 years.
Also, about this website. I created a new section in the top navigation for links. I guess if you wanna exchange links, let me know.
Right now, I can't think of anything else.
Here are the mittens. The pattern is called Kainuu Flower Mittens (Kainuun kukkalapaset).
Hello. I don't even know where to start.
February was basically the lowest low of my life. I essentially got fired from the previous job because they complained I did the wrong things in the wrong way etc, but never told me about it until that firing moment so like. Maybe I could've done it the right way if you had like TOLD ME. Well, whatever. Turns out it wasn't a very competent place after all.
But worry not, I have a new job now. Less than a week after that firing, they called me from my old work place like "can you come back?" xD To do a different task this time though, so it's not the same job, but it's in the same place. It's nice to see my coworkers again, we get along really well here (unlike the cough cough other place). Last time I was basically an IT worker but now I'm technically an assistant, so my pay is unfortunately ~100 euros less. But that's fine, that's not a big difference.
But yes, February. It totally destroyed me and I was diagnosed with depression some weeks ago. I have new meds and it's been a bit better now in the past week or two. I kind of have this feeling of neutralness most of the time and I also kinda forget what I've even been doing like the past days so. I don't know if it's the meds or what. But being back in the old work place has definitely helped.
My liking of Scaramouche has totally extended to the point I am a fan. This means I've also been playing more Genshin, but to be honest, I haven't played a lot in the past week or two. I got a really nice comment on my fanfic from December last night, and now I feel like I should return to writing too ahah.
New animes I've watched include most of Buddy Daddies though it's not over yet. But so far, it's been enjoyable. People complain like "it's not gay, stop making it gay". Who cares if it's gay or not. It has a portrayal of not only found family but basically coparenting of 2 people who live together but were never in a relationship. We need more stuff like that! (I don't mind if people see it as gay btw. They're still raising a kid together.)
I had my birthday a couple of weeks ago, yay. Now I am at the ripe old age of 25. Why haven't I achieved amazing things in life yet *sobs*. On my birthday, there was a mini-convention in the nearby town (2 hours drive) so we went there with my friend plus did a bit of a shopping spree around the town. Of course I got new clothes...
I reaaaally want mittens that have the traditional knitting pattern of my home region. This Saturday I'll try to remember to go to the neighbouring village to see if they have any because. My town doesn't even have a crafts store anymore (I think covid killed it but maybe it wasn't doing the best even before that).
Oh, oh! And. Because I was so absolutely mentally ill in February... I got stressed out that people could recognize me on the street so I just got my hair cut short and dyed dark xD It was long and green btw. And I basically got myself the Scaramouche bowl cut. Because of that, I actually got some more "egirl" clothes I guess like baggy shirts because I feel like they would fit better with this cut than some super feminine stuff. And guess what, many people have had difficulties recognizing me, yayyyy. But the reason why this is so big is because I have never had short hair after it grew long when I was a little toddler.
I also started going in these support groups like where there are other girls and we just kinda hang out. I've talked about Genshin with a couple of them, it's been fun.
It was kind of sweet I guess when I felt reaaaaally bad my sister who lives 5 hours away even called me if I'm ok (she never calls me) and even my dad asked me the same (he never talks to me randomly because yknow, Nordic men). They really tried to tell me they care about me even though we don't usually say stuff like that.
I don't remember anything else right now that happened but. Yeah, I'll end here.
I went skiing last month. It's always so pretty.
Last Wednesday, I started at a new job. Basically it is a consignment store. I've been buying too much stuff for myself. ^^''
Other than that I've pretty much played Genshin as I have a massive Scaramouche brainrot.
Anyways, I hope to write more when I have something to tell about but right now, it's the usual.
Below, a music box I bought at work:
Good things: my job situation might get a bit better.
Bad things: I don't feel like my mental health is improving...
I started working on my own ~very good idea~ costume... which is Japanese fabric used to make a traditional Finnish (Kainuu) style skirt and vest. Well, it's not exactly that because I made the patterns a bit easier for myself but, yeah. I've had two sessions with my friend now working on it, and so far we have cut all the pieces and finished the skirt apart from two buttons I need to fasten it. Can't continue before I buy some buttons and more fabric for an extra layer on the vest (thin cotton is just way too thin).
Other than that I've pretty much developed a Scaramouche brainrot, to the point I'm kinda planning on making a fansite or "shrine" for him. I just have to figure out how to make it different enough from the layout of this site because I've utilized him quite heavily on the layout here, haha.
I have hung out with a couple of friends and yeah. Played Genshin.
I wanted to post yesterday but I was too tired. I went to see my brother at the military brigade place as he started in his compulsory military service last week. Then I hung out with my friend again later, it was nice.
Today I had my first singing class of the year, and I went to talk about getting my job situation in order and so... well, it's still work in process. Sigh, I have to make calls again tomorrow. Well, tomorrow I also need to go to the hospital to see mental health services.
Oh, and today I got my new fabric I ordered from Etsy so me and my friend started working on the new skirt + vest I want to make. For lunch, I made myself miso noodle soup:
Today I went to eat pizza with my friend and we hung out at my place and watched a movie on the TV. At store we bought stuff so I got myself knitting/crochet supplies so I started working on making a tablecloth. Before all of this in the morning I farmed Scara materials on Genshin.
Yesterday my sister and her boyfriend visited me and we drank tea. Then I played Genshin until 4 am got get through all the Scaramouche stuff. Oh, I did clean up the kitchen in the morning.
Today, I visited my godmother with my mom. She has a senior cat I pet all the time. (Apparently it doesn't usually care about pets but who knows what got to it). Later, I went to a tapas place with my mom and sister and her bf and was a tiny bit drunk. It's been cold here this week, right now it's -21 C. Anyways, that's all.
The services that try to get you to find a job called me. So bothersome. I've been stressed out all day.
I watched anime with my friend, and I prepared this lunch: noodle miso soup with shrimp and egg. Next time I need to add leek. I also received the black lipstick I ordered earlier, but I haven't tested it yet.
I created a fanlistings website, my first. I hope it gets through soon.
Other than that I've felt pretty anxious. Played a bit of Genshin.
I woke up really early but stayed in bed in and out of sleep for nearly 5 hours. I also had a lucid dream so I was flying all around over the town. I guess it was a bit unfortunate though that I didn't have any underwear or pants on...
I went to have lunch at a nearby sushi place. They were playing Chinese music which, I don't know what I should think about that haha. (It's run by Chinese people.) It was ok but some of the sushi pieces were way too dry so I didn't feel so good about them. Then I went shopping and bought a bunch of clothes that were on sale and some that weren't but were still cheap. Should H&M clothes feel so soft and good when they're probably not the most ethical?
After that I went to see the movie Holy Spider. Based on a true story, it tells about a murderer in Iran who kills prostitutes, and the female reporter trying to catch him. It was a nice movie, the right amount of unsettling.
In the end, grocery shopping, decorating the site a bit and playing Genshin. I didn't post yesterday because I did nothing. It was never my intention to write daily if I have nothing to say.
Older posts in the archive.
Casual short blogging of someone who last did casual short blogging over 10 years ago. A fangirl, an ernu, an enthusiast of many things. Lonely but bubbly and laughing despite the difficulties (as described by someone else). If you have a message or a comment, the shoutbox below is just the place for it.
(Ernu is usually used like the words weeb or otaku, in Finnish.)
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